There is a problem in this world today. It's called Punk Rock.

There are multiple solutions to this problem, a bill that has just been passed that will be put into action on may 2nd states that:

1. All people under and over the age of 18 reported with attire similar to that found in garbage cans will be arrested and beaten on sight.

2. All people under and over the age of 18, this excluding all native american tribes, found guilty of listening or playing 'punk rock' will be tried and hung as a war criminal.

3. There will no longer be any piercings in places that are not one of the following parts of the body:
a. Ear lobes. (may not be solely the right ear on males)
b. *&&Error

4. Those who play guitar; this includes all people who are minors and all who are majors; are required, by law (under the possible (and likely) consequence of acidic re-endorsement))to learn more than three chords.

5. All people who seek to play the guitar, whether it be religiously or any other reason, must have a photo ID permit renewed bi-monthly. The criteria for permit are as follows.
a. Prove the knowledge of chords that are
-Larger in quantity than three.
-Not power chords
-Not octaves of another known chord
b. Must play at least five minutes solo time in any given key (eg. G# sus4) and must:
-Not have Accidentals
-Not use distortion
-Not use overwelming amounts of bends.
c. Three hundred dollars must be given to the founder of this bill every two months for renewalship of a license.

6. Those in possession of punk-rock *CDs must relinquish all of them to authorities before the date of May 3, 2004. Failure to do this will result in a long, long drive to Litchfield Minnesota, where they will be thrown into Lake Ripley, unclothed, at risk of death by chiggers and exotic plants. All who comply with this will be refunded in Iraqi language instructional CDs.
*Anything that has punk rock is included with the term denoted.

7. Clothes may not, under no circumstance except for a jazz band concert, be all black. Anybody caught wearing the contraban clothing items will have them damaged with red stains. There is no guarentee that you will not pay for this red...matter.

8. There will be absolutely no headbanging unless the headbanging is to one of the following genres' of music:
a. Ska
b. Jazz

9. Anybody caught with a car which has a malfunctioning rear-defrosting device, or any person caught with a car without a rear-defroster device will be shot on site, if under the age of 28.

10. All necklaces may not be something that this bill writing guy doesn't like.

11. All practicioners of extreme sports will be closely monitored, even in their own homes by our new Our Family® security cameras to make sure none partake in listening to punk-rock. Those caught listening to it will have the object that they use to commit extreme sports taken, burned, and danced around by a native american casino worker. That person shall also be mauled by bears along with 41-42 of their friends.

12. All persons caught with punk rock on their computer will have their pants removed, and that which lays beneath these pants laughed at by grandparents of that persons enemy family. This person will be tried as an adult, no matter watch the age, and no matter the verdict, shot.

13. All complaining about society must be done in five paragraph essay form, and be legible. Documents must be nice looking. All words must have existed in 1940, and all words that are synanomous with the word 'rebel' shall not be included, unless in an appology.

14. Safety pins may only be used for safely pinning important documents or diapers. Safety pins will not be tolerated anywhere else. All violaters will have each and every single safety pin unclipped and drivven into various spots of their body, and then clipped again. After paying the penalty for body piercings they will be sent to New York where a large truck will connect a winch on its rear bumper to ropes, each one attaching to a safety pin worn by the offender. Acceleration will ONLY be made by the truck. This person must clean up and pay for all blood spilled.

15. Any male that sings higher than a bird must be doing so only for humorous reasons. All those who scream complaints are in violation of this bill, and will be shown how to get to the bottom of a tar pit.

16. Hair Dye is banned, and all who participate in dying their hair, or highlighting for that matter, will be sent to Siberia where they will be barbers.

17. The following bands are being charged with many things, and will be utterly annialated with torture and disembowlment:
i. Good Charlotte
ii. Something Corporate
iii. Finch
iv. Reliant K
v. Monday
vi. Tuesday
vii. Wednesday
viii. Thursday
ix. Friday
x. Saturday
xi. Sunday
xii. Atticus
xiii. Eminem
xiv. Beastie Boys
xv. Green Day
xvi.Saves the Day
xvii. Blink 182
xviii. All-American Rejects
xix. MXPX
xx. The Ramones
xxi. There are many, many, many, many, many more. They will be tortured worse for slipping my mind.

ENDOFBILL